From Ye Olde Puppy Shoppe !!!
We love our puppy customers -
They're our #1 bread and butter,
Especially right now at Christmas time
With their MasterCards all a-flutter.
Oh sure, they've heard about puppymills -
They don't live in a cave.
The tree-huggers dreamed THAT whole thing up.
They're really quite depraved!
All OUR pups came from "Local Breeders".
These signs around TELL you so;
We paint 'em up and hang 'em high
Cause we want you to know!
We don't put a price on honesty,
But this pup will cost eight hundred dollars.
You don't think that we make the big bucks
Selling fish food and martingale collars!
But back to our Christmas Greeting
And why we wish you all Good Cheer;
You see, you are $pecial folks to us
At this festive time of year.
We love you because you're lazy,
Though very well-connected.
You just won't take the time to find
A breeder who's respected.
You so rarely do your homework.
(Santa, send us MORE trusting fellas
With no time to learn about Legg Perthes
Or Luxating Patellas!)
Zoonotic's not a word you learned
Playing Scrabble or at school?
Color Mutant Alopecia? Duh!
We LOVE it, man, you're COOL!!!
Cryptorchids must be flowers from Hawaii you say?
We will sure not tell you better.
And you don't need to know Brucellosis, my friend,
Unless, of course, you get 'er!!!
You think that CERF-ing's what cool dudes do
Somewhere out in California?
And OFA's just another old workplace law?
We're sure not going to warn you!
But should we stumble upon someone
Who IS savvy in any way,
We'll just start extolling the wonderful work
Of the grand ole USDA!!!
We love you 'cause you just don't care -
You buy it because you want it.
You can lay your cash on OUR counter, ma'am,
If you've got it, you OUGHT to flaunt it!!!
We love the things you DON'T ask!!!
It makes our job so easy.
If you saw the sights behind the scene
You'd probably get quite queasy.
You'll never see the breeding dogs
Who suffer on the wire,
Or pups die of hyper-thermia
When their truck gets a flat tire.
We'll keep you from our back room, too,
And put a padlock on the freezer.
Those tiny puppies stiff and cold
Would not be a crowd pleaser.
We hope you have a vet you like -
That pup's probably gonna need him.
Ivomec wears off in thirty days -
That's how long we've guaranteed him!!!
Who cares when you get that blue slip home
And find out that it wasn't true.
Your Local Breeder's way out in Kansas?
HO! HO! HO! That joke's on you!!!
So come and see us, one and all -
Join in our Christmas Cheer!
We've strung the tinsel all around.
If we could, we'd serve you beer!
We've got the carols playing
And a Santa, for good reason;
We're all scrubbed up and lookin' good
So you'll make our Christmas season.
As you walk away with your new pup
We'll shed a happy Christmas tear.
Don't change ONE THING about yourself-
Just DO come back next year!!!
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